A Journey Towards Positive Parenting

Learnings from A Masterclass on Positive Discipline Tools

There are so many different styles of parenting out there; and I find that most (if not all) of us as parents will not fit into one specific parenting mold. Chances are that we will become a mixture of many styles, with a dominant one taking the lead.

Having to deal with the roller coaster of emotions from my toddler (AND MYSELF) recently, I’ve found myself reading more and more about POSITIVE PARENTING. I also attended an online Positive Parenting Conference recently; The speaker, Judy Arnall, focused on certain discipline tools that we can use on our babies and young children. Here are some of my notes and key takeaways:

Fulfill your infant’s needs

• Baby’s NEEDS are NOT wants

• While the “cry it out” method is used in other parenting styles, positive parenting offers research/studies that show how doing this consistently for infants may cause unnecessary stress on them

• Offer comfort items such as pacifiers and binkies if recommended by pediatrician

• Be conscious of how our babies and kids can get comfort through all 5 senses

Learn about the child’s development

• Toddlers lack the self-control to follow the “NO!” -- it’s a DEVELOPMENT issue, NOT a DISCIPLINE issue

• They may understand what no means, but they are developmentally unable to follow and control all the time

• Understand what your child is DEVELOPMENTALLY CAPABLE of at certain ages

Change the environment

• Be proactive and take away the things that (may) cause trouble in the first place

• Adjust the surroundings so it fits the child at their developmental level

• Example: If you are going to lola’s house and you already know that there are a lot of breakable things, hide them first so there is no risk of these items breaking

Redirection

• Instead of just saying NO, give them ALTERNATIVE OPTIONS

  • Example no. 1: Toddler wants screen time: “Ooh look at your wooden tool box! Let’s play with your hammer and screwdriver!”

  • Example no. 2: Child wants to eat dessert: “Wow! Your bowl has yummy food! Rice and chicken!! Let’s eat this first then you can have some dessert after!”

Set Routines and Build Habits

• Children’s brains rapidly develop during the early years. The more they experience things over and over again, the more connections in the brain solidify and strengthen.

• REPETITION IS KEY with kids

• Routines are a source of COMFORT - when kids (and even parents) know what to expect, there is a sense of security and calmness
  

Stay with your NO

• In order to maintain your credibility, NO means NO.

• Help kids understand CLEAR boundaries

• Parents are challenged to think beforehand if requests are worth the YES or NO response

• Say YES when you can - so that kids will know / understand that when you actually say NO it’s non-negotiable.

• Explain why (when applicable)

TIME IN

• Opposite of TIME OUT when you send your child away (to a corner / room); put him in isolation, away from communication

  • Most of the time children are unable to process their emotions on their own; they need help

• Both parent and child simmer down heightened emotions and talk about the experience and feelings

  • Parent doesn’t speak or act out of anger or frustration

  • Child can listen to the explanation of the parent

  • Both parties learn more about self-regulation

• It takes A LOT OF WORK. It’s a lot easier to lose your temper

• You can create a designated CALM DOWN CORNER - put books and sensory toys for comfort

Choices

• Like adults, children also need to feel the sense of EMPOWERMENT

• Let them decide on small matters

  • Example no. 1: Bedtime routine: Do you want to read book A or book B?

  • Example no. 2: Meal time: Who will sit next to you at the table, teddy bear or dinosaur?

PARENT TIME OUT

• The most underused tool

• Fill your own bucket

  • In the moment of anger and stress, the immediate response is “I have to punish! I have to discipline!!”

  • If we calm down, we have more opportunities to teach

  • Breathe, cool-off, lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes

• This offers an opportunity for the parent to regain one's composure in order to effectively help the child to calm down

Overall Message on Positive Parenting and Discipline

• Discipline is not punishment, it’s about TEACHING

• Self-discipline comes in when the brain is more developed; that’s why it’s very difficult to teach toddlers about complete self-control

• Positive Parenting is NOT Permissive Parenting

Personally, I’ve got a long way to go in becoming the ideal parent who knows exactly how to teach my toddler about discipline and self-regulation; but I know this is all a learning process so my husband and I just take it one day at a time.

I think what attracts me to this parenting approach is that it constantly teaches me about humility -- that I may not have all the answers, that I may not always know how to handle my own emotions or help my child manage his, but we have opportunities to learn together.

Mommas, whatever parenting style (or styles) you will end up practicing, I wish you the best of luck on your journeys!