You Are Weak

“Ang hina mo naman.”

Her words pierced through my heart.

Am I weak?

Yes. Yes, you are, from pregnancy, giving birth to raising the terrific toddler.

You are vulnerable. All the time. Yes. Silence. You feel helpless. Powerless.

There are so many voices inside and out.

Pause. Breathe. Repeat.

Do they really know?

Do they really know what I am going through physically, emotionally, and mentally? Do they know how my body is changing and how a tiny human is growing and consuming parts of me?

Do they really know how I need to give so that the tiny embryo can expand and live? Or how my cells are distorted as they are sensing a foreign agent in the system?

Do they understand how scary it is, especially for first-time moms like me?

Pause. Breathe. Repeat.

I am weak.

I endured 9 months of morning sickness, body aches, and hormonal imbalance.

I missed many meetups and other activities with friends.

I had to slow down in my career. I was not able to meet my key performance indicators (KPIs). I failed to deliver what was expected of me at a given point in time. My colleagues were taking most of the work. It was exhausting.

I am vulnerable.

It was crazy and messy – from the day that I had a little human wrapped in my arms. I was sensitive and protective of my newborn.

Sleepless nights. Breastfeeding frustrations. Mastitis.

Pumping at work. Meetings in between. Baby at work, attending to her needs.

Day after day – REPEAT the routine.

I had to take my baby girl to my meetings; had to walk around Makati with the baby carrier and a backpack. I had to bring my 12 month-old baby to daycare and take her with me to the office or to the Club after 4 hours in school.

I am tired.

The lockdown brought the JUNGLE into our home.

Work from home, Zoom meetings, managing a team, trying to reach targets, adjusting to a new role given restructuring, backlogs, becoming a mommy teacher, breastfeeding, being worried about the pandemic and the impact it brings... and the list continues.

Pause. Breathe. Repeat.

Yes, I am weak.

Yes, I am vulnerable.

Yes, I am tired.

I embrace all emotions and accept every pain and experience.

I realized that in being WEAK, I allow myself to heal, to transform and become a mother that my daughter needs.

By being VULNERABLE, I receive the gift of others, their support, and concern.

In slowing down, I am able to nourish my daughter’s milestones and discover wonders in a toddler’s eyes.

By being TIRED, God is able to restore my faith and graces into my life. By being empty, I find peace.

Now I reflect – do THEY really have to understand?

I PAUSE and cherish motherhood.

I BREATHE love, hope, and faith.

And as each new day begins, I choose to lift my head up and REPEAT.