I Became A Bad Friend

Between figuring out this whole motherhood thing--the sleepless nights, the never-ending feeds and diaper changes, I could barely have any time for myself. Even taking a long, uninterrupted shower felt like a luxury at this point. I barely checked up on my friends.

I became a bad friend.

I turned into a silent reader in group chats, sometimes even muting them on my phone so I wouldn't feel bad about all the discussions I missed out on, or the fact that I felt like no one would understand what I was going through if I chose to open up. Motherhood felt isolating.

I became a bad friend.

I ignored weekday invitations to "dinner and drinks" after work. How could I even begin to explain all the anxiety and exhaustion I was feeling just thinking about the logistics of getting to that dinner? Being away from my baby, pumping in a public place, making sure I had enough ice to store my milk, skipping the alcohol because I was exclusively breastfeeding...it was too much for me to handle. Never mind, I just won't show up.

I became a bad friend.

On the rare occasion I would show up to brunches or dinners, I was a “buy one, take the whole family” package deal. I couldn’t go anywhere without my baby (literally) latched to me. I was completely committed to this whole breastfeeding thing, even to the point of total inconvenience for me. You couldn’t get me to come alone.

I became a bad friend.

Maybe I was physically present for the socials, but truthfully my mind was all over the place. Is the restaurant baby-friendly? Is the music too loud? My baby might wake up. Oh no, does the restroom have a clean changing table? An hour to go before his nap, we need to leave soon. And on and on. I wasn’t really paying attention to my friends.

I became a bad friend.

The only words spewing out of my mouth were stories about my baby. He did this and that. Want to see this video of him babbling? What about a picture of him in this adorable outfit? I forgot to ask how my friends were doing.

I became a bad friend.

But…

I also became a good mom.

I learned the true meaning of selflessness— giving my body to my baby by committing to my breastfeeding journey; I fed him the best way I knew how.

I became a good mom.

I created a routine that worked for our family – feedings, nap time, pumping, and everything in between. I chose to be present for my child.

I became a good mom.

With instincts kicking in, I was attuned to my baby’s needs. His comfort and wellbeing were all that mattered to me.

I became a good mom.

I was bursting with pride over all his milestones, doing victory dances the first time he learned how to roll over; and constantly smiling from ear to ear with every adorable OOTD or cute video.

Being a first-time mom overwhelmed me in ways I could have never imagined.

To this day, I continue to struggle finding a good balance in my life. Some friendships have suffered, but many have remained and strengthened. Those are the ones I am most grateful for – the friends who have allowed me to be selfish for the time being so that I can give myself completely to my child, with no snarky remarks or judgments from them; no mom-shaming.

I am blessed with these friends who never forget to check up on me and make the effort to reach out even when I fail to do the same for them.

And maybe after all this time, they never considered me to be a bad friend, but a good mom.